Confession

This morning I searched the internet for "How to not feel lonely," and "How to not compare yourself to others." The wiki-how entries were actually quite helpful.   Then I consciously made the decision to self medicate with coffee.

I won't go into all the details, but about five years ago I was in the beginning of what turned out to be the most traumatic experience of my life. While I didn't physically die, my psyche was pushed to its limits and I spent one year in a low slung haze of medication and another two years in painful recovery.  It wasn't something that's normally talked about and I still hold it close, wrapped in a cocoon of shame, fear, and tenderness.

A friend of mine recently started a blog about what it's been like to survive cancer,  and reading his words, combined with caffeine, encourages me to start my small sharing in this one-removed-technology-safe way. What I experienced isn't as easy to see as a prosthetic leg or a big scar, but it was no less real. Only last year did someone ask if I'd ever been treated for PTSD.

I filed my taxes this morning and soon I'm going to show a friend the empty room in our house.  Later, I will talk with my roommate, go to work, smile, and look at the sky. I'll play on fabrics hung from a tall ceiling.  All the time, my heart will beat and the light I'm made up of will shine, if perhaps a little more waveringly.  Be kind to me, be kind to each other in this life.  Everyone is fighting some great battle.